What strikes me as truly unfortunate about the human condition is the impractical nature of honesty. The way (at least most) people are brought up in the love/hate dichotomy of unambiguous communication seems to be a perfect recipe for everlasting frustration. We are told to "be honest", but also to "be kind" - and with the understanding that sometimes the two do not go together. And when the two are in conflict, the "right" solution is ambiguity. "Does this look good on me?" What do we say? Not "no, not particularly", but rather "I prefer the other one". We skirt issues, we avoid, we redirect.
Part of the problem is that life is, by its very nature, full of uncertainty long before we ever add to it through deliberate ambiguity. If there exist (for anyone) any absolute truths, they are few and far between under the best of circumstances. Two different people will not necessarily agree on whether "it looks good on you" (which, by the way, is not the topic that led to this post, but merely the stereotypical example of the little white lie). Deliberate lack of clarity blends in with inherent uncertainty, leaving us walking examples of the traditional sitcom. (Maybe that is why we never speak honestly with each other - it would be too hard on the network executives to find things to air on Tuesday night.)
But we don't just live with uncertainty, we thrive on it. It sustains us in the face of doubt, it salves our fear of rejection. "Does s/he like me? Does s/he not?" Were it not countered by more emphatic drivers such as fear of being along and the urge to procreate, would we ever be prepared to gamble the hope of acceptance against the possibility of rejection?
To make matters worse, we are story-telling creatures. We are natural pattern-finders, and every datum demands an explanation for why it is so, and what it implies for the future. That we have insufficient knowledge or experience to make any such evaluation or prediction with any reasonable level of confidence seems immaterial - we create the stories anyway. And lacking contradiction, we simply proceed with our "truth", making judgements, setting expectations, getting angry and frustrated when those expectations are not met.
The irony is that not only do we not attempt to uncover additional data to better understand, but human nature makes it intensely difficult (at least in some circumstances) to do so even if we want to. For example: We are all insecure. We all know that we are all insecure. And yet, to walk up to someone and ask "what do you think about me?" is social unconscionable. Perhaps I am in a minority of people who are curious about such things, but I doubt it.
I wonder if one cause is our tendency to view ourselves as a single thing without finer resolution or division. In such a state of believe the idea that a person might not like something about me is indistinguishable from the idea that the person does not like me. Yet we are all complex combinations of a great many facets - not only aspects that make up a personality, but distinct personalities that comprise a person.
Do I need you to like all of me? Has it ever occurred, in the entire course of human history, that one person has liked everything about another (especially for all time and in all circumstances)? Said this way, it suggests that it could be as simple as accepting that being liked is a matter of degrees, and that we can put the issue to rest by coming to grips with that.
But it isn't that simple. Accepting that someone can like a part of you but not all of you is one step - the (comparatively) easy one because it is something over which a person has control. It is my mind, after all, my thoughts, and I can decide (at least hypothetically) to not be offended if someone does not accept/like everything about me. But there are two people in this equation. Person A cannot do much about how person B lives/thinks/behaves. Will you reject me in totality because there is a subset of me that you do not like? Or the more insidious version: might a single action/word/look cause you to hate/fear/disrespect me? If I like you and want to build a relationship (of any kind), will I risk showing you something you might not accept? Can I trust you to not reject everything for the sake of that one part? How strong does a friendship have to be to support a dislike? How many friendships end simply because we are unwilling/unable to discuss these things?
No comments:
Post a Comment